Situations and Complications

I have decided I need to get back to my roots and continue to write more. I use to write all the time what was on my mind. The ideas and thoughts I had about everything. I haven not written here in awhile so it feels good to be back.
At the moment Im feeling lonely and very much lost on what I should do. I havent had this feeling in awhile and it has returned. That feeling no self worth. I dont know. I dont hate myself at all far from it. I just feel sometimes as if Im some monster that I a woman dosent want to get close to me. I recently told this one woman I was trying to be involved with how I really felt. We had a sort of friendship for over 10 months now and a few months into it I became attracted to her. We called and texted each other very much everyday. I enjoyed our conversations and it was nice to have someone finally call me for a change. As with things she had no interest in me. On my part I knew she still was in love with her ex but I was determined to show her I wasnt a jerk and was a better man. I failed. It bothered me for sometime that I had wasted so much time. But than again was it actually a waste. Well, than again no it wasnt. Its now I dont want to be friends with her any longer. I felt as if she used me. Why call me and text me all the time? There is no need too. I never had a woman do that before why should one start now? But I was nieve and can only blame myself partly for it.
Than there was someone else who I had actually had a small time with who I thought was a alil understanding. She wasnt. She was in fact crazy as my friend told me. She too left eventually. All I have had was mostly bad luck with women. Each time I grow colder inside myself and become distant and not trusting. I mean how can I believe anything anymore that or look for anything. Somethings I know. Others its like I wont even look now. I will automatically assume that any female who smiles or acts nice to me is just doing it to be doing it. That they have no interest in me whatsoever. What if one does and I ignore it and brush her off just because of this thinking. Sometimes I watch others and how they have someone who makes them happy and loves them and I myself have never experienced that. In all my mind and maybe my heart I do not believe I will find someone who will accept me for me but just shun away.
To me it just seems that my efforts are futile and I will just have to accept I may well be alone for the rest of my days. For this emptiness is like a disease that is slowly consuming me alil bit at a time. Eventually, im concerned it will be so bad that I will just look so far inward that I will turn away all feeling. That only myself and my work will be what I love. Its so frustrating but I am what Iam. If Im not to have someone than I will educate my mind to its limits and be the greatest I can be.